By Sheena Sharma
It was a Wednesday morning in Manhattan. The sun was rising, and I
was slowly trying to piece together what I had done the night before.
Oh, that’s right. I had gotten drunk, then decided to hit up my f*ck buddy for his perfect, perfect penis.
As my eyes struggled to adjust to the light, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and heard softer mumbling.
“I have to go to work soon,” Kyle* said. “I know you have an extra
hour to sleep in, but I need you out now. Enjoy!” He kissed me on the
shoulder and scurried out of the bedroom.
Was the f*cker actually kicking me out?! Like I was a prostitute who
had spent the last 48 hours scheming to steal his sh*t? (Which, by the
way, ranges from $20 sweatshirts, to condoms, to gum.)
Did I mention that Kyle and I had been friends with benefits for almost a year now?
I had almost insisted he come over to my place because I had a
feeling he was going to do some f*ckboy thing like this. But I’d given
him the benefit of the doubt, because we’d known each other a long time,
and because I’m a diplomatic person, and… OK, also because he has
a big, beautiful dick.
But, and I’ll cut right to the chase here: Every guy I’ve ever slept with who had a big dick also had a huge ego. Like, I’m talking Mount f*cking Everest.
Though each penis was slightly different from the next, each guy was a
different manifestation of the same archetype: an insecure douchewad
who failed to see the merit in being a gentleman.
Something tells me the man-to-penis correlation isn’t a coincidence.
Because every time I have great sex, there is a sh*t excuse for a man
attached. And, ya know, I’m getting a little tired of sacrificing my
mental stability for the sake of good sex.
And don’t even get me started on my ex. My ex had the most incredible schlong
of any schlong I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I wanted to
photograph it, frame it and stick it on my wall in between my two
windows, so every time I got hot in the middle of the night I could open
the windows to the breeze and simultaneously have something to look at
while I jerked off to fall back asleep.
Still, my ex was also the biggest assh*le I’ve had the displeasure of knowing — if you read this story, you’ll know he called me fat every five minutes of every day and couldn’t control his wandering eye.
What is it about assh*les having great dicks? It’s as if they know
they can get away with being assh*les because of what they’re packing in
their pants. And you know what? Whatever they’re doing is working
because I keep going back for seconds. And thirds.
And sixtieths.
On the contrary, it just so happens that the guys I’ve slept with who have — er, shall I say, unsatisfactory penises? — have always been pretty decent dudes.
Like Jake*, a guy with great jokes and chivalrous manners, whom I
condemned to the friend zone because his penis was a solid five inches.
It got the job done, but it didn’t exactly blow my mind.
Dating him made me take a step back and reassess WTF my priorities are: great relationship and OK dick or horrible relationship and wonderful dick?
I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on here. Is there some
secret guys’ club where all the well-hung dudes gather and discuss how
horrible they’re going to be to the women who choose to sleep with them?
Or have I just had really, really bad luck?
And to all the gods up in there in the sky, if you exist, why did you
create men this way? Is there really no such thing as a well-endowed
prince amongst the vast field of pinky-penised good guys? Am I asking
for too much here? C’mon, people in healthy relationships with men who
also have large man-parts: Tell me your secret.
What does all this mean for me? Should I lower my expectations? Or
should I keep f*cking around with f*ckboys who know how to f*ck?
These will be the questions I carry along with me as I continue my
journey as Goldilocks in search of the perfect penis. Nothing too big,
and nothing too small. Something just right. And, uh, hopefully with the
perfect man attached to it.
The reckless part of me wants to keep f*cking around with big-dicked
douchebags. But the aspiring wife and mother wants to quit f*cking
around and settle down with the decent-dicked, good guy already.
It’ll be difficult. I hate to sound shallow, but when you’ve had the
unmatchable, impeccable unicorn dick I’ve had, it’s hard to settle for
anything less. Size matters, and that’s the hard truth. -Elite Daily
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