Old habits are hard to shake!

As I venture down the path of a new relationship, I’m finding it difficult to open up and allow myself to be me. And the reason for this is that I’m fearful … fearful that who I am is not and will not be good enough for him.

In the last couple of weeks Ben and I have been steadily seeing each other and I have to say that its been a wonderful experience. Needless to say, when we’re together life is not dull! Being that Ben’s a surfer we spend a lot of time at the beach. When at home we talk, laugh, listen to music, watch TV, grill, and as we settle into the evening being in his arms I become like melting lava.

However, in the back of my mind I can’t shake the fear of once again being rejected. Thus, it is difficult for me to open up and share myself with him freely and openly. Ben has repeatedly requested that I open up to him. And though I tell him that I will, the wall that is between he and I is to big and scaling it in order to allow myself the freedom I so deserve isn’t easy. I hate it! Not only for myself, but for Ben too, cause I know this isn’t fare to him.

The one thing, actually two things that I have yet to tell Ben is that I’m battling cancer and about my broken relationship with Steven which is the root of my fear. Honestly, I wished that I didn’t have to tell him about either, however I know that I will eventually have to come clean, specially about the cancer part. God, above everything, telling Ben about my cancer isn’t going to be easy. Why? Because, I would hate loosing him.

Fear?, yeah! I’ve got to overcome this if I’m going to pursue a healthy and open relationship with Ben. On the flip-side, Ben does makes me smile. And on the surface, I am happy.

^^^*^^^

You Make Me Smile Lyrics By Uncle Kracker

Until Tomorrow ...