“I might not be someone's first choice, but I'm a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect but I don't need to be. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away.” -Author Unknown
Life is to short to be less than who I am ... I've worked my ass off to be who I've become. And when it's all done and said, yeah, parts of my life I may not be proud of, but it won't be said that I lived a lie. Therefore, as for the hear and now, I am going to continue living life to the fullest and be the best in all I do. I am a package deal … nothing less-nothing more! If anyone doesn’t appreciate this package then the loss is theirs … I will simply walk away without any regret.
For the past three plus years I've lived my life for someone else ... unconditionally loved them, accepted them, respected them, I even entrusted my end-life decisions to them. NEVER EVER AGAIN! No one will ever conquer my soul as Steven did … my heart perhaps, but not my soul. My soul belongs to me! It is not for sale or to be bought, nor is it to be compromised no matter how much they may promise that they will steadfastly be in my corner.
Unless proven otherwise, Steven's promises over these past years to be my buddy and friend appears to have been nothing more than a brain teaser ... it appears that I was not as good of a friend as he vowed … I was only a tolerated convenience.
It cannot be said that Steven was not materialistically good to me ... he was! Furthermore, he was influential in re-energizing my faith and helped in I landing my position with Kmart. He also convinced me that I could trust him and love him. However, as of today, all the good he brought my way and allowing me to feel confident in our relationship now seems shallow, and as a result I feel emotionally let down and horribly disappointed. And for the past two months I've been anguishing over the loss of what I thought was a true and honest buddy and friend.
Though I forgive Steven as a human being, I find it difficult to forgive how he chose to abruptly and angrily walk out of my life without as much as F.U. ... Oh wait, he did. Seriously though, he did not earn his way out. Instead, he cowardly stole his way out ... typical "gay man style"! And for a man who claimed to be so "upright" in all he says and does, his actions does not mirror his words. And now it is difficult to trust anything about him.
Sadly, I have come to the conclusion that Steven is no longer worthy of my friendship ... hey, he doesn't want it so why continue offering? Had he just taken the time to explain his reasoning behind his hostile and abrupt departure perhaps I would feel differently. As a matter of fact, I know I would! I am a reasonable man and a lot more understanding than most give me credit! However, since it appears that I've been tossed out with the bath water it is difficult to justify trusting him ... I'm not willing to take my chances anymore.
As for the future, sadly Steven and I have nothing worth salvaging let alone pursuing. What was, is done! I believe I've given him ample time to bring closure to our relationship, but now time is a waisting and it is high time to close this disappointing chapter and move forward, leaving Steven to his own karma ... after all, what goes around comes around. One of these days, Steven will need a Friend, however this Friend will not be there to provide a soft landing.
Good luck Steven. I hope that one day you'll find a relationship more suitable to your fancy and life-style.
Until Tomorrow …
Revised 08/16
Life is to short to be less than who I am ... I've worked my ass off to be who I've become. And when it's all done and said, yeah, parts of my life I may not be proud of, but it won't be said that I lived a lie. Therefore, as for the hear and now, I am going to continue living life to the fullest and be the best in all I do. I am a package deal … nothing less-nothing more! If anyone doesn’t appreciate this package then the loss is theirs … I will simply walk away without any regret.
For the past three plus years I've lived my life for someone else ... unconditionally loved them, accepted them, respected them, I even entrusted my end-life decisions to them. NEVER EVER AGAIN! No one will ever conquer my soul as Steven did … my heart perhaps, but not my soul. My soul belongs to me! It is not for sale or to be bought, nor is it to be compromised no matter how much they may promise that they will steadfastly be in my corner.
Unless proven otherwise, Steven's promises over these past years to be my buddy and friend appears to have been nothing more than a brain teaser ... it appears that I was not as good of a friend as he vowed … I was only a tolerated convenience.
It cannot be said that Steven was not materialistically good to me ... he was! Furthermore, he was influential in re-energizing my faith and helped in I landing my position with Kmart. He also convinced me that I could trust him and love him. However, as of today, all the good he brought my way and allowing me to feel confident in our relationship now seems shallow, and as a result I feel emotionally let down and horribly disappointed. And for the past two months I've been anguishing over the loss of what I thought was a true and honest buddy and friend.
Though I forgive Steven as a human being, I find it difficult to forgive how he chose to abruptly and angrily walk out of my life without as much as F.U. ... Oh wait, he did. Seriously though, he did not earn his way out. Instead, he cowardly stole his way out ... typical "gay man style"! And for a man who claimed to be so "upright" in all he says and does, his actions does not mirror his words. And now it is difficult to trust anything about him.
Sadly, I have come to the conclusion that Steven is no longer worthy of my friendship ... hey, he doesn't want it so why continue offering? Had he just taken the time to explain his reasoning behind his hostile and abrupt departure perhaps I would feel differently. As a matter of fact, I know I would! I am a reasonable man and a lot more understanding than most give me credit! However, since it appears that I've been tossed out with the bath water it is difficult to justify trusting him ... I'm not willing to take my chances anymore.
As for the future, sadly Steven and I have nothing worth salvaging let alone pursuing. What was, is done! I believe I've given him ample time to bring closure to our relationship, but now time is a waisting and it is high time to close this disappointing chapter and move forward, leaving Steven to his own karma ... after all, what goes around comes around. One of these days, Steven will need a Friend, however this Friend will not be there to provide a soft landing.
Good luck Steven. I hope that one day you'll find a relationship more suitable to your fancy and life-style.
Until Tomorrow …
Revised 08/16
Philip,
ReplyDeleteI know the pain you have been experiencing. How you were treated by your friend Steven was without question uncalled for. If he truly cared for you he would have maned up by being honest and open with you, but an individual who lacks self-respect lacks it for other as well. And I dare say that you are not the only one he has teated this way.
Always remember, you are an outstanding man with a huge heart. Please don't let a man like Steven change that about you. You will find someone else who will treat you as you deserve, therefore hang in there.
Your friend,
Joyce
From my standpoint, Steven is a real scumbag and doesn't deserve a wonderful individual such as yourself. So walk away with your chin up, eyes focused and you will be the better man for it. Shit is still shit no matter how it may be packaged and Steven seems to be a real shithole. I totally feel for you buddy!
ReplyDeletejust curious. what is the secret that would cause a fall from grace?
ReplyDeleteIt only proves that love is blind. But when reality hits it can sure be a scary moment. God, but just think of the lesson learned-if it doesn't fit-its best to move on! Glad your journey has finally found its bend and now a new path that will replace this broken memory.
ReplyDeleteJames