Aside from the fact that I feel good today, my energy levels have drastically dropped. Between treatments and dealing with its side affects, trying to keep down my position with Kmart, desperately trying to stay afloat financially, and wrestling with trying to figure out how and where my relationship with my buddy is and will go, needless to say, I'm physically and mentally exhausted! And on top of this, therapy! Thank god for good meds ... LOL.

As I've previously said, had I known the affects my treatments were going to have on me, I think I would have passed on it and taken my chances. Like I mentioned to my buddy last night ... I'm going to die anyway and all these treatments are doing is prolonging my life. He reminded me that bladder cancer is 99% curable. I replied, but the pain to stay well, it ain't fun! Yes, I'm a bit bummed out. And since I'm not the one to be sick, I hate being sick!

As it stands today, I have about two years of treatments to go through. And for the rest of my life I have to be monitored to insure that the cancer doesn't come back. I don't know ... can I say its a bit overwhelming? This is my second critical call!

Just a side note here. Each treatment without doctor bills, etc., costs $3,000.00. Each time I walk out of the treatment my bill averages $3,500.00. Unbelievable!

Not only has my treatments been rough on me, holding down my job has been equally a challenge. Thus far I've only called out and have requested to leave early once. But each week it's becoming more and more of a struggle to pull my sickly feeling bod out of bed and get it to work. Then once there try and concentrate on the tasks t'm responsible for and while feeling sick, isn't easy. I tell you, since the third treatment on it hasn't been a very pretty picnic!

Last but not least, my relationship. As you know, since January my relationship has undergone such a drastic change to the point where today we hardly see or talk to one another. Honestly, I wish that we could get back to some kind of normality, but with each passing week this is becoming less likely to happen. And I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that emotionally it may be wise to move forward. The only problem with this conclusion ... I'm very much in love and am willing to try and hang on for as long as I feel fit  Course, as for being close friends, if this is the final outcome, though I may emotionally miss the closeness, I would accept it.

Ok, so my life isn't all sunshine at this time.

Like my friends keep reminding me ... "you only have two weekly treatments to go". "For god's sake, hang in there!" I have to tell you, my friends and co-workers have literally been my biggest supporters. The have done their best to insure my journey has been as comfortable as possible and filled with laughter. I never imagined that this group of folks would be such moral supporters and I am humbled by their generous giving of themselves.

Like its been difficult to work, I have to tell you, Kmart has bent over backwards to accommodate my treatment schedule. Course, in return, I do my utmost best to be there providing physically I'm capable. Like my friend Robyn keeps telling ... "be kind to yourself!" And in this day when jobs are scarce, I am grateful for Kmart's understanding and willingness to let me take this journey.

Like in therapy I've been discussing my relationship. My therapist is really a kewl guy! Anyway, he keeps reminding me that "either the relationship has to come to terms or you have to come to terms with the relationship". Sound advice and he's right! I have to choose which side of the relationship is best for me. I can't have it both ways ... and to think the price tag for sound advice; $175 a visit! Yeah, I'd be happy to listen too. (LOL)

Like my association with my buddy has been drastically curtailed. Ok!  At least from afar he's still there, occasionally checking in to make sure I'm doing ok. And I still share some of my most inward fears and challenges with him to which he does lend sound advice and encouraging thoughts. And I honestly believe that though we may not be together much, he does appreciate that he has a place in my heart. My promise to him was ... forever and a day.

Ok, now some reality.

When I look back over all that I'm experiencing, by far my troubles are small in comparison to the Japanese people who last week suffered one of histories most devastating earth quakes, tsunami, and now a possible nuclear melt down at one of their reactors. In watching the news coverage of this horrific tragedy my mind has difficulty wrapping itself around it. Nevertheless, compared to the sorrow and struggles the Japanese people are undergoing and will continue to undergo for some time to come, my issues are a drop in the bucket. Comparatively, I am whole and God has blessed me no matter the journey and all its components that have come along with it. Therefore, why should I complain ... I'm really not. Just venting.

Last but not least, Sendai, my birth home was one of the hardest hit cities and it brakes my heart to see my homeland partially devastated and laying in ruins. Like my buddy asked last night ... "how do you pray for them?" My answer ... we can only ask God to be near to them. I ask that you too will be pray for the people of Japan.

Until Tomorrow ...

Revised 03/16/11