What started out as a mistake turned into an emotional nightmare!

Following a disastrous day at the office and receiving a text message that I thought conveyed a note of rejection, my emotions got the best of me and I took my emotional anger out on my buddy. Lets just say it wasn’t pretty . Ok, I admit I uttered some horrible things to him.

If the outburst wasn’t bad enough, the come back was equally as harsh. I’m a user, not a friend, and he wished I had never fallen in love with him. Ok, maybe I deserved the come back.

Yes, I fucked up! I should have thought things through before going off … my only defense, my emotions got the best of me. Therefore, it was wrong of me have taken it out on my buddy. After all, he had nothing to do with what happened at the office. Had I just taken a few minutes to think things through I would have handled things differently. But I'm a reactionist. And sometimes I just don't think before I jump. Anyway, my buddies response to my outburst drove home three things.

One. I know who I am. I know myself well enough to say that I am no USER! Yes, I’ve asked him for help in the past and he has graciously helped. But once I was able to pull my weight I quit asking and when I could or can repay him I do. But one thing is for certain ...I am NOT a USER!

Secondly. I am a FRIEND and a DAMN good one at that! Yes, sometimes my friendship is abused and taken advantage of, but I am a DAMN good FRIEND. If able I would give a Friend the shirt off my back. I will listen to and hold close to my chest your deepest secrets. I will laugh and cry with your joys and sorrows. I will tell you like it is. I will comfort you when you are down. I will even and to a point stand by you weather you be right or wrong. I AM a DAMN good FRIEND!

Now, being told that I’m a user and not a friend proved two points. It allowed me to know in my heart of hearts what I am not. I choose to believe that my buddy said these things to drive home a valid point … for me to look inward and know who I am not. His comment; “you are what you believe you are … not what someone says about you" drove  home a positive point. Therefore, though painful to hear, it wasn’t the most painful I’ve experienced from anyone since my father.

The most painful words to date was that my buddy wished I hadn’t fallen in love with him. This literally crushed me! It pulled me apart, spat me out, and left me broken. This third statement shattered, not only my ego, but my heart as well. And when I tried to convey this to him in a phone conversation last night I couldn’t finish, for I was in tears and unable to even utter the rest of my conversation cause I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. This hit the very core of my being and who I am. And the sad part, my buddies character is that of a peace maker … he “hates” confrontation. But today, he put a dagger into my heart when he utter these words … “I wished you hadn’t fallen in love with me”. For me, this was the ultimate rejection and it brought me to my knees.

Now I can rationalize this and say that he was only trying to drive home a point ... if so, he did, but what a sad point if this is how he truly feels.

I’ve been hurt by many people … this is just a fact of life. But never has someone who claimed they loved me ever inform me that I made a mistake in loving them, let alone wishing that I never did. I give my love cause they earn it and my buddy earned my heart … well, he had my heart at first sight. But he earned that very special place in my heart which I don’t give to just anyone. As for me, it takes an extremely special someone to earn my love ... he just so happened to be THE one!

Honestly, this whole mess is nothing more than a tragic brake down of emotions and as a result a possible end to a long lasting relationship. Here, we deeply hurt each other emotionally. However, with this said, I still am very much in love with the man. But as to how this whole mess will turn out … god only knows.

Until Tomorrow ...